


Fuck. What Did I Do?

by goobzoop



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Canon Divergence, Don't Read This, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Rape/Non-con Elements, Sad, Sad Ending, crap, dubcon, hardly a plot, why did I write this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-19
Updated: 2019-12-19
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:48:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21859321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goobzoop/pseuds/goobzoop
Summary: Spencer is self-loathing and Hotch doesn't make it any better. Not for Spencer, at least.
Relationships: Aaron Hotchner/Jennifer "JJ" Jareau, Aaron Hotchner/Spencer Reid, Spencer Reid/Original Male Character(s)
Comments: 13
Kudos: 111





	Fuck. What Did I Do?

**Author's Note:**

> Read the tags please

Reid found himself at the butt of another joke in a dingy police station that was just as shitty as the last. He had thought that life would improve once he grew up and left his tormentors in school, right? Unfortunately, no. The world still was cruel beyond the confines of campus. Turns out the bullies grew up and got jobs too. If he were a strong man, like Hotch, or Morgan, he could have brushed it off; they had trained themselves to let the LEO’s comments slide right off their broad shoulders. Or maybe they did it instinctively. A stronger man wouldn’t have let the LEOs crack them so easily. He was so fucking weak. A sensitive boy. No, man. Well, _barely a man_ , right? What kind of _man_ would cringe when he was thrust into the spotlight? What kind of _man_ would stutter his way through a profile? What kind of _man_ would would be attracted to his _male_ boss? No man he knew. 

Couldn’t he keep it together for two seconds, long enough to let himself pass as someone semi-normal? Bad enough that he was a blithering genius without being a gay one, too. Because having the IQ of the penal code for murder wasn’t tough enough; he had to stick out like a sore thumb in more ways than one. 

He was fucked in in all the wrong places. Hypersensitive, antisocial, uncertain; the makings of ineptitude. Back when he had just started, the team had been more receptive to his quirks. Hotch had looked past his horribly delivered speeches with a patience that came from the promise of potential. When Reid missed his shots, and barely managed to pass his firearms exam, Hotch had taken the time to coach him because “everyone starts somewhere”. Reid stayed at the starting line. All the while, his perversion for the older man blurred his thoughts, and while he should have been thinking about making his marks, all he could think about was the feeling of Hotch’s finger’s cradling his own while he attempted to fix his terrible form. And when Reid couldn’t manage to collaborate with other departments, or basically anyone outside of his team, Morgan always stepped in and helped bridge the gap with his infallible people skills. Someone was always there to clean up Reid’s mess. 

Now, when he was in the field, Reid could feel his teammates’ uneasiness when they were partnered up with him alone. In threes, their assuredness was back. No-one trusted Reid in protect them in the event of emergency. Being paired with Reid was like not being paired at all. Walking into the line of fire with no-one to back them up. What was Reid going to do, shoot the unsub in the foot? If he could even manage that. 

Hotch rolled his eyes when Reid’s lower lip quivered at the station. It was barely noticeable, but a gut reaction like that was hard to contain. Reid had swallowed the LEO’s remark and it sat like a lump in his throat threatening to come right back up. He took a long draw of air in, trying to calm himself. _Wuss._ He left the floor and made his way to the board room so no-one could see him unravel. Hotch’s approval meant everything, and yet he would never get it. He must see him as a burden to the team; someone he has to coddle. Maybe even someone he was obligated to keep around. Why else would they have let someone like him carry on for so long? 

Hotch was perfect in every sense of the word. At least he was to Reid. Brave, loyal, ethical. He was what they needed more of in the breau. Reid admired the way that he fit the job so effortlessly. It flowed out of his movements the way the lungs learned to breathe; instinctually. He always knew they right thing to say, the most efficient route to take, how to best corral the support of his team. Reid had loved to watch him over the years as he gave his everything to the job. And he watched Hotch with an attraction that was not in the least bit professional. It embarrassed him. How his eyes lingered on Hotch after a physical case, the way the older man’s dress shirt clung to his sweaty broad shoulders, or the red flush to his serious face. He would feel a hot embarrassment in his chest after Hotch’s deep voice penetrated his mind late at night, and he found release at the expense of his dignity. 

His hatred for himself was fierce, and it cut into him like a knife. _Why won’t you just toughen up? Why are you even here?_ He shut the door behind him and ran his hand through his hair. _Too long for an agent, no wonder they introduce you like you’re separate from the others._ A breath in, a breath out. If he didn’t calm down now, he was on the fast track to a panic attack and that was the last thing he needed. _It was just a stupid fucking comment._ His legs felt wobbly, and for a moment he thought he was going to fall to the floor, but the door cracked open and Hotch was at the other end. 

“We need you back there, Reid.” He said, squinting at Reid, clearly profiling him.  
“Y, yeah.” Reid breathed, looking away from Hotch’s scrutiny. He barely needed the older man’s disdain to add to the fire.  
“Pull yourself together, okay? We can address this later. Let’s go.” And he followed. 

At some point, Reid _had_ managed to pull himself together long enough to contribute to the case in the way of his geographical profile. At least in that way he could be useful. Within three days, they were able to track down the unsub, and make an arrest without any casualties. Morgan had clipped the unsub in the shoulder with Prentiss at his side; an efficient team. 

CMCMCMCMCMCM

Back in Quantico, Reid still couldn’t take a breath. The promise of a talking to from Hotch had his stomach tied in a knot. He had been in Hotch’s office countless times addressing the same issues to no avail. _How fucking embarrassing._ And there it came. A nod of the head towards his office. A subtle reminder of their talk, with discretion that he didn’t deserve. 

Reid stepped into the office and sat across from his boss, who was perched at his desk, one hand cradling his forehead in a defeated posture. Hotch was way too forgiving. He should have fired Reid two weeks in. _It’s your only fault._

“I’m sorry, Hotch.” The words barely managed to escape his mouth, somehow finding a way to transverse the lump forming in his throat. 

“I don’t know what you’re thinking, Ried.” Hotch held a tight frown, but Reid couldn’t see it with his eyes plastered on the carpet. “The LEOs that we have to deal with, they like to get under our skin. They enjoy they reaction from the ‘big bad FBI’. It makes them feel big. You have to rise above that.”

“I don’t know how.”

Hotch looked at him, slumped down in the chair now, like he had sat countless times before. “You should. It’s part of the job. You just _do it._ ”

“That’s easy for you to say. Look at you. Look at _me._ ”

“I am looking at you.” Hotch cleared his throat. “Reid. You’re an invaluable asset to this team, but your insecurities need to go. Your hesitation to believe in yourself is holding you back. I need you to dig deep and find a way gain some confidence in yourself.”

Spencer quirked his head up at Hotch, who’s eyes hadn’t left the younger man yet.

“You don’t even know the half of it. I don’t have your resolution. I’m not like everyone else here. I don’t _belong_. I don’t have the confidence, I never have, and I doubt I ever will. I see the way you all pity me. The way everyone does; even the LEOs only need 5 minutes to realize what a loser I am.”

“Don’t act like you’re some special snowflake. I’m sure that people have told you that you’re one of a kind growing up, and you may well have been with a mind like yours, but out here you’re just like the rest of us, if not a bit more intelligent. Quit babying yourself. You need to grow up.”

The swirling in Reid’s belly doubled down, and he felt like he was going to be sick everywhere. He felt prickling on his flushed skin. _Dear, God, I can’t do this. Not from you of all people._

“Do you know how many times it took for Morgan to fill out a vicap the right way? The amount of red tape I’ve had to cross in order to fix his mistakes? The number of times clues were missed, trails went unfollowed because he couldn’t put forth the effort for the paperwork that he deems unnecessary?”

“That’s hardly-“

“Reid, everyone falters in some form or another. Everyone here has fucked up more times than I’d like to count. Need I remind you about Prentiss keeping a wanted Interpol IRA captain from us, essentially putting herself in danger, shutting out the team, going out on her own in the most _reckless_ and incredibly selfish way possible, forcing me into the most difficult and emotionally draining situation I’ve ever had to handle-“ Hotch groaned, catching himself before he got too heated. “Everyone has been there. I can go on.”

“No.” Reid sucked in a breath to quiet his stomach, and then plowed on. “It’s not like that with me, though. Those were situational. With me, I am the situation. With me it’s all the time. It’s everything I do, or think, or say.”

“Reid.”

“I’m absolutely incapable of handling myself, I can’t make a shot for shit, I’m not even a hundred pounds soaking wet. There’s no reason for me to be on the team. You might as well hire a computer, because my best traits could easily be replaced by-“

“ _Reid._ ” Hotch’s voice dropped two octaves with a sharp edge that cut Reid in two. “You’re not incapable. We need you on the team. You are an essential part of the team. Reid, how can I make you see yourself the way we all see you, the way I see you? I’m not tough on you because I think that you’re failing; I’m tough on you because I know how amazing you are, and how absolutely phenomenal you could be if you just trusted yourself. You’ve come so far since you joined, and hell, you were only 22. You’re still half the age of most of the agents here, and you’re miles above what they’ll ever achieve.”

“No, I-“

“No, you are. You don’t need a gun to be a profiler. I know you remember when Gideon told you that. How many times can you recall Gideon pulling his weapon? How many times have you seen me pull mine without having one waved at me first? That’s not what being an agent is all about. Besides, anyone can wave a gun around.”

“I’m not half the agent you are.”

“You’re every bit as good as I am, and better at heart.”

“Don’t say that, Hotch, you’re the most respectable man I know. It’s me that’s the one with a tainted mind… with inappropriate thoughts. I hardly have a good heart.”

“Tainted? What, you think being _gay_ is wrong? Is that what that was about?”

Reid let out a small gasp, having realized that his best kept secret was suddenly not a secret at all. _Who else knows? How obvious have I been?_

“I, I’m not-“

“No, I certainly didn’t mean to assume. I’m sorry, Reid.” Hotch strained his brows and rubbed at the bridge of his nose. “I’m projecting. I thought I profiled, no I mean, I was—. Look, you think you’re so unworthy? How about this: I’m 41 years old, divorced, and have unfathomably inappropriate thoughts about my subordinates. I’m the perverse one in this situation.”

“I, we suspected…” Reid gulped, a thick jealousy in the back of his throat, “J.J. certainly didn’t seem to be opposed…”

“Oh, she was. She’s just too professional for making any drama. What kind of a sick man propositions his subordinate because he wants to fill the void that his dead ex-wife left him with? _Hm?_ And if J.J. would have let me, I would have gone through with it. She’s small and blonde, Reid. I would have used her for everything she’s worth. I didn’t even love Haley anymore, either. I wasn’t attracted to her by the end of it. But when she was gone, really gone, I wanted to grasp onto the closest warm thing that even remotely resembled her and J.J. filled that role. I nearly demolished a relationship with one of my closest friends because I’m a sad, sick old fuck with no moral compass. The only reason I’m still here with a job is because she had the wherewithal to look past it. And that’s not even the half of it. Not to mention the way I look at _you_. If only you knew what a twisted old man you’re trying to get the approval of. I’ve been thinking about bending you over the desk since the moment you walked in here.”

“I…” Words faltered, and Reid sat in stunned silence, taking in the confession of a man he had thought unshakable. And unerringly professional. Looks like that went out the window. 

“Truly you cannot possibly be any less than anyone else on this team, Reid. I mean Jesus Christ, I made it to SSA somehow.”

“You’re not sad. Or old… statistically.”

Hotch laughed for the first time since Reid walked in, and his shoulders slumped forward like tension was being released. Reid thought that may have been the first time he had said any of that out loud. 

“I think I can relate better than you think.” he murmured, looking Hotch in the eyes briefly before averting his gaze. “You weren’t profiling me wrong as _gay_.”

Hotch’s half lidded eyes burned hungrily. “Careful, Reid.” 

“Besides, I happen to have a thing for sick old fucks.” _They certainly had a thing for me._ Reid blushed, looking off into the corner of the room so he didn’t have to look Hotch in the eyes after revealing that nasty tidbit of information. It was just about all he could bare. 

“Is that so?”

Spencer gulped. “Can’t say I haven’t been involved with a professor before.” _What the fuck am I saying?_

“Didn’t you start college as a kid?”

“Yes, but I meant during my phDs. I was older then. Old enough, anyway, according to the law.”

( _Spencer, stay after class. I need to have a word with you._ )

Not quite old enough to make healthy decisions though. _Still not old enough for that, apparently._

“You need to leave before I do something I regret. This conversation has taken a dangerous turn.” Hotch glared at him from across the desk. 

( _You’re one of my best students, did you know that? You have a brilliant mind. I’m so proud of the work you’re doing. Come here; no, closer. We’re friends, right?_ )

Cant hold a conversation. Can’t shoot for shit. Can’t fake confidence. Can’t even seduce the gay man who probably hasn’t gotten any in close to a year. What else?

“Now.” Hotch said.

Reid let his head drop into his hands, slightly mirroring a defeated looking Hotch, and breathed out a hot, heavy breath. _Fuck, was he going to cry? Jesus._

( _You’re beautiful on the outside too, not just your mind, Spencer, did you know that? Look at this pretty face. Cute little lips the color of fresh strawberries._ )

“Reid, did you hear me? Get the fuck out of my office.” Hotch said. 

“No.” 

This time he did look up. With wet, red eyes, too. Reid was beyond the point of feeling his shame as anything more than a dull ache. _He was too used to it._

“Don’t cry, Reid. Wipe your face.”

“Yes, Sir.” And he did. The cuffs of his shirt now laden with wet patches. 

Hotch leaned back. He held his fingers pinched over the bridge of his nose and Spencer watched him stay like that for a minute.

( _I don’t say this to all my students. You’re special, Spencer._ )

He didn’t move before addressing Reid again. 

“Take it off.” He sighed.

Reid couldn’t meet his gaze behind his pinched hand. Not that he wanted to; that would be too much. 

“W,what?”

“The shirt, Reid, fucking take it off.”

“I, um— I mean are you sure, I—“

“Now.”

And he did. 

( _Special? No-one has ever called me that before._ )

When he finished, Hotch finally lowered his hand so he could look over the shirtless agent sitting before him. Reid couldn’t read anything on his face. He just sat, looking at him. Watching him still clutching his shirt in his hand so tightly that his knuckles were white. 

It was a perverse sight to see someone so professional reduced down to _this_ with one simple command. _Fuck! You easy, malleable, no-spine slut. Do you do anything anyone tells you?_

_Yes._

“Drop it.”

“Yes, Sir.” It fell to his feet. 

“Unbutton. Take it out. Touch yourself.”

There was no mistaking that. 

Reid stood up, unbuttoned his pants with shaking hands and pulled out his half hard erection. _Please don’t look at it. God, he must think I’m so small._ He closed his eyes, wrapped his hand around himself, and stroked it the way he has a thousand times before, alone in bed. _Thinking about his boss._

( _Sit on my lap, Spencer. No, it’s okay, all of my best students do it. The good ones, anyway.”_ )

“Did I say you could close your eyes?”

_He was never this demanding in his fantasies._

“No, Sir.”

_Not that he minded._

Reid locked eyes with his superior. He never felt more exposed in his life, and that was saying something. His face flushed strawberry red. He could feel his pants sliding down his narrow hips. He didn’t want to be completely naked standing in front of Hotch, but he didn’t want to stop and pull them up either. 

Hotch was still watching him with eyes dark and dilated, as he stroked his now fully hard cock, and he would have fainted with overwhelming desire if this wasn’t utterly terrifying. 

His cock pulsed violently in his hand. Red blood surged through his engorged veins. _Jesus Christ, say something, please. Touch me._

“Faster. Spit on it.” 

Reid did as he was told and wetted his cock with his spit. He gripped himself painfully hard and sped up his motions. He grabbed the edge of the desk with his hand, unable to stand up straight, and jerked himself off over Hotch’s paperwork. He was leaking droplets of cum down his tip, and he saw Hotch’s eyes flicker down to it. _Touch me, please, touch me._ He kept going, stroking over and over. 

“Cum for me.” Hotch said, eyes still on Reid’s throbbing cock. 

“Yes, S,sir.” He came with a moan and spurt out his cum across the desk, stopping just before it got on his boss. He felt euphoric, never having cum so brazenly before. He closed his eyes, panting. 

( _Do you mean it, your best student? What did you think about my last paper? I guess I can sit there... _)__

“Take off the rest and come here, Reid.” 

“Yes, Sir.” _Don’t let me be the only one, though._

But he was. He was standing in front of Hotch bare naked. 

Hotch didn’t have to ask. Reid dropped down to his knees. 

“Good boy.” He said under his breath. 

Reid had his mouth full of Hotch’s cock before he could even take a breath. It slid over his tongue salty and soft. _Cocks all taste the same._

“Open nice and wide for me, Spencer.” 

_Spencer?_

Hotch pushed farther in as Spencer relaxed. 

“Yeeshsherr” he said. 

“Relax your mouth. I want you to take all of me. The whole thing, Spencer. Loosen up your jaw.” 

Spencer did as he was told. A large calloused hand knotted itself in his hair and pushed him forward slowly, fighting against the weaning resistance. 

“That’s it, baby. Shh.” Hotch said, his eyes locked on Spencer’s curls. “Look up at me.” 

_God, no. How fucking embarrassing._

He opened his eyes and tilted his head up slightly to catch Hotch’s gaze. The cock in his mouth shifted slightly and he gagged. 

“Only a little bit more, Spencer. Come on. Be a good boy.” 

( _Of course you are, Spencer. So special and smart. I thought your paper was brilliant. Just like you. Give me your hand. Here, right here. Yes._ ) 

Spencer replied only with his mouth; he felt Hotch’s tip resting at the entrance to his throat and he pushed himself forward, taking it down despite the fact that it was making involuntary tears stream down his cheeks. _Physiologic response._ Hotch groaned. 

“So beautiful, Spencer.” 

Spencer fucked his own mouth with Hotch’s cock. He took him all the way down his throat as many times as he could, savoring every satisfied look on his boss’s face. _This is what you wanted. This is what you jerk off to late at night._

He swirled his tongue around the base of Hotch’s cock while his tip was buried down deep, and kept swirling it around until the tip was pressed up against his lips, and he licked it sweetly before sucking on it and plunging it back in. Salty precum trailed it, and Spencer knew that his boss was close. He sped up his movements, never taking his eyes off Hotch. 

The older man coiled his fingers tighter in Spencer’s curls and forced his head down flush against him, making him gag. An involuntary groan came from Spencer’s throat as he took the entire cock, and saliva dripped down his chin sloppily. 

Hotch looked away as he came. He kept his eyes on the wall with his head tipped back, and groaned fiercely as he shot a hot load of cum down Spencer throat, and kept pulsing the thick white ropes of sticky cum as he pulled out. He painted Spencer’s face in it, making him even more beautiful in his post sex flush. Sweaty, hair flying everywhere, and cum dripping down his chin. 

( _God, yes, Spencer, just like that. Don’t stop. Just like that. Yes. yes. Jesus Christ. Fuck, I’m-_ ) 

“I— thank you.” Reid said, stuttering over his words. 

“Fuck. What did I do?” Hotch closed his eyes. 

( _Go on and clean yourself up, Spencer. You don’t want to miss your next class._ ) 

“Go get yourself cleaned up, Reid.” Hotch said. He wouldn’t look at Spencer. 

“Yes, Sir.” _Look at me, please!_

He didn’t. Reid left. 

**Author's Note:**

> OH. The penal code for murder is 187, and so is Reid’s IQ. Coincidence? I THINK NOT.


End file.
